I’ve been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You’re even here

I’ve been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I’ve been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

The veil is torn
And now I live
With the Spirit inside
The same One
The very same One
Who brought the Son back to life

Before we prayed and worshiped at the informational today, I felt defeated. I was defeated kinda. I remember how I felt, sitting on the couch, wishing we could hurry up and just start the meeting. It truly is by the grace of God and by His strength that I’ve been able to do what I’ve done for Him. When satan comes at me with his accusations and when he is attacking me with thoughts, I’ve gotten crushed. And this past week, I’ve been amazed by how God has been ministering to me, very powerfully. But as with most times in my life, when I’ve seen heavy movements of God’s hands, I’ve also had to deal with the evil one.

What is it about me that I am so fearful? Why? I’m not necessarily scared of like, monsters or whatever, but relational fears. People. God. Really deep fears. I believe most of it comes from my childhood and middle school. Funny how as an adult I’m still kinda crippled from stuff that happened years ago.

When I’m struggling, the world might see just someone who looks really super awkward and pathetic and weird, but a more mature and compassionate Christian could probably sense fear that’s written all over my face, I’ve frustrated many people that have tried helping me, truth is I’m not even sure how to help myself. I’m just at His mercy, held by Him.

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2 thoughts on “The struggle

  1. Romans 12:2 may be the key for you. Also know that anytime you have a God moment you can count that within 24-48 hours there will also be an attack or attempted attack by the enemy. Happens to everyone. Usually with me it will come in the form of a family argument or some kind of self doubt. But it is normal. You can count that the better the God moment the bigger the enemy will try to destroy the mountain top experience. That I think is God testing me to see if what He showed me is applied to me. I usually will go back and see that despite what I think happened God really did move greatly!!! Just keep trusting the Lord to renew you and you will be ok.

    1. I understand now. I understand completely. I have felt satan attacking me with worries, insecurity, and some fear after experiencing what I felt on Sunday.

      This is probably just about the biggest and best thing I’ve ever received from God, and it has definitely been attacked.

      Thank you for your advice, I REALLY appreciate it.

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