I had such an awkward moment today.
During breakfast, Katie was talking about the Father and the Holy Spirit, and she talked about Him along the lines of “like the times when our dads would surprise us and scoop us up into a great big hug and call us princess!” And she looked at me expectantly and smiling, and she told me, you know, the way our dads did it and stuff. And I didn’t say anything, and then I was like… yeah I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never experienced that.
T-T crying forever…
But seriously though, dang that was so awkward and sad for me to realize. It never really dawned on me until today that my father didn’t do these things. I mean, when I see my brother in law behave the way he does with my nieces, it’s never dawned on me to get jealous or whatever.
But truth is, I’ve never really doubted that my dad loves me, I mean duh.
But how sad is it that when we talk on the phone and when they drop me off at college, he only sometimes awkwardly adds on a “okay, love you, bye” and sometimes a really stiff hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.
People need to know they are wanted.
Is it any wonder that everyday I wonder if I’m truly saved, I struggle with feeling or knowing that I’m adopted by God. (but these aren’t really like HUGE issues in my life, just quiet and annoying sometimes.) I feel like I’m wanted kind of, mostly tolerated. And sometimes satan will take these particular feelings and crank it up and hit me with quiet accusations and lies and next thing I know, I’m hearing someone whispering to me “God hates you… You… aren’t wanted…”
Fathers are not supposed to be passive. I wasn’t necessarily abused or anything, but I didn’t grow up being told I’m the apple of somebody’s eye and I don’t know if I was ever called a princess when I was little. I’m the mess that I am for a reason. :(
I don’t give or receive love well for a reason. I mean, I’m more emotionally and spiritually healthy today than I ever have been, but these things are still things I struggle with.
LOL how sad. No wonder I run to my room every single day, I never miss a single day, to escape and be alone with Jesus every single day. I can’t not go running into His presence, that’s the only place I am perfectly happy and at rest and not anxious or scared. It’s the best place ever…
His perfect love casts out my fear.
HOLD UP, what the heck…
While writing this blogpost at the lounge, this girl sat next to me and was talking on the phone with someone and mentioned John 3:16 and even said the verse to the person on the phone.
HOLY SMOKES :O
WOW GOD. :O