I get annoyed with how fickle I can be, how in any given day I can have so many emotions and moods.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
And, is it possible to be completely happy and content and feel loved and cared for by God, yet still be incredibly depressed and annoyed and…
I don’t even know. I’m at a loss for words for the way I’ve been feeling lately. God has been gracious and kind in so many ways to me lately, but I’m just worried about whether I’ll get to be a teacher, whether I even have the ability and desire to be a teacher. I’m not even sure if I want this or not, and I’m not sure if I’d be a good teacher or not.
And speaking of school, how blessed I am to be at Texas A&M, but I feel like such a failure and so ungrateful.
If my mom were Christian, I’d go hug her and cry and talk about the nations and Jesus and school and my stupid desire to just get married already, even though I don’t even like anybody and don’t even know if I like anyone.
But she’s still got the veil over her eyes. She still hasn’t fallen. Christ hasn’t seized her yet. We still think very differently. And unfortunately there are some conversations I just can’t have with her. I can’t be a stumbling block, the Gospel and Him are much more important than my desire to rant.
Back to studying. It feels like I’m never done… :(
I wanna get married to someone wonderful. I’m just going to have to go out to the nations alongside someone, because both my desire to tell the world about Jesus and my longing to be married are too great. I had hoped that I have the gift of singleness, but I can’t deny that I really want to fall in love.