Today, I found out that I have some trypophobia.
I saw this picture in Google images that was very innocent. Just a tiny picture of a pink sponge, but for some reason when I saw it, I got incredibly anxious and felt unnerved and threw my phone.
I suddenly have mercy for the lady that’s afraid of cotton balls.
I still feel incredulous. Phobic people are supposed to be crazy. Fears of stuff that can’t hurt you are irrational… I mean, cotton balls? Peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth? The fear of long words? And the fear of flutes?
I can’t be one of “them”…
I’ve tried, several times actually, to look at that picture again and a few others. Because I just can’t accept that this is something I struggle with. But I’m tired of screaming profanities and crying and having trouble calming down.
I think part of the reason why I have this anxiety problem is because of some sort of visual/sensory sensitivity I might have. For example, nails on the chalkboard freak some people out.
But I happen to feel uncomfortable about images like the pink sponge.
Also, when I was little I had a dream that the pores of my skin grew, and I never forgot that dream. It was unnerving and weird and horrible.
As this day has gone by, I’ve actually realized that I’ve had a weird fascination of clusters. I guess the way they look. But it doesn’t really make sense to me that I would flip the hell out over some pictures, and then other pictures that trypophobes struggle with, don’t do absolutely anything to me.
But I finally understand what it is like to encounter something and have an irrational, violent, insane fear of it.
I felt like screaming when I saw that picture of that pink sponge. I cried a little. I couldn’t do anything for a few minutes other than listen to worship music and cry and calm down. I also felt itchy and my skin was crawling. And I couldn’t breathe. I felt like brushing my teeth.
I can’t even believe this happened to me.
I was one of the loudest, most laughing-at-phobic-people ever. Because these fears sound so stupid and fake. They aren’t legit like the fears I had all my life that I felt were normal (the dark, dolls, heights, the devil, being home alone, getting shots)
But Jesus, I understand now.
God, my life has been filled with insane fears. The dark, dolls, God, heights, acceptance/rejection, the devil, money, drowning, being home alone, shots, blood. (As in, fear dictated how I spent money and how I felt about it.)
Thankfully, He’s redeemed basically all of these fears, except for acceptance/rejection and money. Those are still little fears, but they aren’t as bad as they used to be. Also, I’m still a little nervous about the dark. And I still hate getting shots, but I don’t panic anymore. I think that fear has gotten much better.
Jesus, You love me, even with my weird fears :)
And now You will use this sudden mercy I feel, for me to better care for people when telling them about You.
I probably will no longer think phobic people are stupid and crazy. Because, how can I not feel mercy and compassion for someone who starts screaming or crying about an irrational thing? Peanut butter, flutes, birds, spiders.
Also, I was amazed by the maturity and grace my little brother showed me. He didn’t get my phone and put pictures of clusters in my face………….oh I hate that word now…… and he didn’t torture me. He loved me and acted like a little scientist as we experimented with different things. He would find websites with information and testimonies, but made sure to cover up any pictures that might set me off.
Such a wonderful kid.
It dawned on me, how absolutely cruel it would have been if he had grabbed me and forced me to look at pictures I didn’t want to look at. And I felt a little weird about posting on Facebook about trypophobia, because what if Joel, Jamie, or Justin read my post and decided to flood my wall with pictures?
Seriously though, I think I’d rather face this fear by holding a friend’s hand and gently and slowly being shown a picture. Maybe also have another person like, patting my head and encouraging me and praying with me.
Geez, but maybe this is something to do with my senses. Like people and chalkboards.