I think today and all throughout the preparing for Men’s Appreciation, I have really seen how incredibly fearful I am and how little faith I actually have and how really selfish and impatient I am.

Also, I’ve seen that I lack grace, though I shouldn’t expect myself to be able to give grace 24/7. I’m still in the flesh unfortunately.

I wish I could tell Bernice from four weeks ago that the end result would be AMAZING and that the sweat, tears, and all the times I bit my tongue to keep from saying sarcastic and angry words would be worth it.

Ministry truly is a very rewarding thing, as well as something that can be so stressful due to the fact that you can be working on stuff and not receive thank yous or feel like nobody is watching you in admiration.

Honestly, you gotta know that the Lord is pleased and happy, and that’s gotta be enough to sustain you during the times that you are working and not being cheered on and stuff. (But Jesus is the best cheerleader, and that is enough :)

Also, I still find it so weird to receive praise. I want, need, crave it, but when I receive it, I get uncomfortable.

Also, I felt very frustrated when I found myself wanting for people to talk about me and praise me. My flesh, is so in need still of grace and renewal and to be subdued. I mean, how is it that I would do something that is meant to bring Him glory and praise, and want to step in and receive attention? I mean… GOD, thanks for your grace and mercy on Your sinful child. You are the one that deserves all attention and glory, I’m just a hopeless sinner saved by your beautiful mercy and grace. And my talents and gifts are blessings from Him and just a tiny taste of His talent…

And the times where I wanted my way, and when I didn’t get it, I’d just sit there simmering a little on the inside? Wow. It’s so heartbreaking for God to show me how wretched I am, and that I desperately need Him to guide me and sanctify me.

It was very nice to be able to hug some of my brothers and realize how much I care about them and want to see them desire the Lord. God, I really am blessed with some wonderful little bros. And I really hope to see you make them strong men that love you and obey you and are quick to serve the women around them. Because that’s what our society needs, is for both genders to be humble and servant-hearted, and able to honor and care for each other.

Sigh. I’m blown away and heartbroken, both at the same time.


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