Some thoughts lately:
too many friends are graduating (like 7), and how close are we actually?…, will we still be friends in a few months or years?, Tony isn’t saved yet, I didn’t hang out with Estefania as often as I wanted to, how many deep friendships do I have (actually, am I supposed to have more?), what do I do about the bonds that I feel aren’t super strong, my grades are okay but not as high as I wanted, I feel desperately lonely and so annoyingly needy sometimes, God You’re too nice and kind to me and I’m just waiting for the BUT WAIT, I’m too blessed, I failed to bond super well with my professors, my professors hate me, I feel judgmental sometimes, I want to workout more, I failed to bond more deeply and hang out a ton with the girls in my ministry, I haven’t hung out enough with the peeps I’m going to Seattle with, I’m going to Seattle in less than a week!!!…, I feel like a hypocrite sometimes, God I kind of want a boyfriend, God I don’t know if I trust anyone though, God I don’t want to find out that someone likes me and I like them and I spend time with them and accidentally miss someone better, God does someone like me that I like and I am sending too many “you are my brother” signals and they move onto someone else?…, God if anyone does like me that I like… do they see the tiny amounts of glory about me?, God am I pretty and talented enough?…, I’m scared of what it will be like when I close my eyes and breathe my last breath and find myself face to face with You, I’m graduating in a few months, I want the gift of tongues, how will I do next semester and will I be able to bond well with everyone, am I too charismatic, how will I crash and fail You in the future when You call me to step up and help lead people.
And despite all these thoughts, I feel surprisingly calm pretty often.
The battle within is fierce, but if I expect to fight and win the battles without (outside of me), then I have to get ahold of myself and tell/basically command my soul to quiet itself, and read verses out loud, and just subdue my flesh and cast down thoughts that need to be cast down and dealt with at more convenient times
And pray of course.
I’m never done praying.