I know that Christians have to contend with the world, the flesh, and the devil… And never has this war been more loud and difficult for me than during my time serving on this mission trip.
Sometimes when we are about to begin worship, I’m so tired and frustrated and dealing with all of these poisonous thoughts that drain me, and I have to just throw myself on the floor and work hard so that what I am singing just completely replaces and is louder than my thoughts that are like shouts and not just little whispers.
Like, the stuff below are thoughts in my mind, that are so loud, that it’s like someone is yelling them in my ear.
“You really think you have earned this time of worship? You didn’t even do anything great during the time y’all did outreach.”
“You are so dirty and sinful, and you have been such a bad Christian lately.”
“You don’t love God.”
“You are so smart and do such a good job during outreach… WOW, good job Bernice.”
“You suck at telling people about Christ.”
“Nobody on this team likes you, and all your efforts to make people laugh and be happy just make you look desperate for attention.”
“You are so awkward.”
“Your actions make you look like you like what’s his face.”
“You like what’s his face and everybody knows.”
“God hates you.”
“What the hell are you even doing in Seattle? Go home.”
“You’ve been so angry, bitter, proud, and lustful lately… What’s wrong with you?”
“You’re so useless.”
“You are alone and unwanted.”
I’ve struggled so much with impatience, pride, bitterness, lust, jealousy, anger, depression, despair, apathy, and I just have to press into Him to help me deal with these emotions.
But of course, i’ve also been having a blast.
Mission trips are crazy weird.