The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
Lately I’ve felt some sadness concerning how incredibly ugly my flesh and its desires are.
Romans 7:18, 22-23
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.
…I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.
I strive for holiness, because I love my God, my Lord Jesus, and I love that peace and joy that comes when I am Spirit led, but of course, my behavior and thoughts will never be perfect here on earth.
I get annoyed. Angry. Covetous. Idolatry. Lust. Judgmental. Impatient. Proud. Rude.
I just want to feel sparkling clean 24/7 and always be a delight for the Father to behold from heaven.
But I’m not as obedient as Jesus. I still throw some mini tantrums and get a little pissed because God doesn’t do things when I want them and how I want them.
Failure to perfectly obey, trust, and submit to God is of course one of the reasons why my walk with Him isn’t perfect. I mean, Jesus was perfectly obedient unto death (Philippians 2:8) but I’m nowhere near as beautifully humble and obedient as He.
I’m rebellious, I feel like I have a storm brewing on the inside and around me when I’m in a bad mood. And some days I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and barely able to be a sweet Christian girl.
The whole world sometimes feels like it is against me and laughing at my attempts to be pure of heart, to be patient, happy, kind, joyful, etc.
If it weren’t for the very power of God through His Holy Spirit, I’d still be so depraved, and even with His help I still feel pretty depraved.
But because of Him, now the depravity hurts and doesn’t feel good, and I fight against it instead of being a slave to my desires.
I wish that upon becoming Christian, my bad attitude and b*tchiness would have completely left.