The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

Lately I’ve felt some sadness concerning how incredibly ugly my flesh and its desires are.

Romans 7:18, 22-23
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.

I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

I strive for holiness, because I love my God, my Lord Jesus, and I love that peace and joy that comes when I am Spirit led, but of course, my behavior and thoughts will never be perfect here on earth.

I get annoyed. Angry. Covetous. Idolatry. Lust. Judgmental. Impatient. Proud. Rude.

I just want to feel sparkling clean 24/7 and always be a delight for the Father to behold from heaven.

But I’m not as obedient as Jesus. I still throw some mini tantrums and get a little pissed because God doesn’t do things when I want them and how I want them.

Failure to perfectly obey, trust, and submit to God is of course one of the reasons why my walk with Him isn’t perfect. I mean, Jesus was perfectly obedient unto death (Philippians 2:8) but I’m nowhere near as beautifully humble and obedient as He.

I’m rebellious, I feel like I have a storm brewing on the inside and around me when I’m in a bad mood. And some days I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and barely able to be a sweet Christian girl.

The whole world sometimes feels like it is against me and laughing at my attempts to be pure of heart, to be patient, happy, kind, joyful, etc.

If it weren’t for the very power of God through His Holy Spirit, I’d still be so depraved, and even with His help I still feel pretty depraved.

But because of Him, now the depravity hurts and doesn’t feel good, and I fight against it instead of being a slave to my desires.

I wish that upon becoming Christian, my bad attitude and b*tchiness would have completely left.


One thought on “Storm clouds

  1. I pray that God will encourage you today. You will never get it 100% all the time but the thing is in the desire and the heart. If you desire the heart of God it will happen. I am praying for you!

    Father’s Love Letter
    My Child ~
    You may not know me, but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1
    I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2
    I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3
    Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31
    For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27
    In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28
    For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28
    I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5
    I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12
    You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16
    I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26
    You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14
    I knit you together in your mother’s womb ~ Psalm 139:13
    And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6
    I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me ~ John 8:41-44
    I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16
    And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1
    Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1
    I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11
    For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48
    Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17
    For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33
    My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11
    Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3
    My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18
    And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17
    I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40
    For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5
    I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41
    And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3
    If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29
    Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4
    For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13
    I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20
    For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
    I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
    When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18
    As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11
    One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4
    And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4
    I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23
    For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26
    He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3
    He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31
    And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
    Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
    His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10
    I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32
    If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23
    And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39
    Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7
    I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15
    My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13
    I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32
    Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

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