I think I’ve been realizing how bad it is for the church to so heavily drill into us that men are these animals basically that are just thinking of sex 24/7.
I’m sure they think of it a lot, but surely not 24/7.
The reason why this has been on my mind is because the first week of school, a friend came to my apartment complex to eat dinner and talk, and I brought him up to the floor I live on to show him my living room, and it was a pleasure to show my friend around, but I also felt uneasy and awkward and thinking of rape, which is ridiculous because I know he respects and cares about me, plus he loves Jesus. And then later that day while still hanging out with my brother in Christ, I ran into this dude I had met at a card game social and the three of us talked and played ping pong, and then I found out he didn’t have a roommate so I asked him if I could see the layout because I really wanted to get to see the layout, and we all went to see it, and after I got to look around, I basically just wanted to immediately leave because again I was thinking of rape, and it sucked to feel awkward and anxious in a situation where I was like, wearing a shirt and pants and there was no alcohol and just, it was a perfectly fine situation.
Another incident was a few days ago when another friend came over and we ate lunch, and then I also showed him my living room, and at one point we were the only ones in the theater room, and again I was uneasy and just wanting to leave, and this friend also loves Jesus, and I’m like 98% sure that he would never do anything to me… I just don’t want to live life, like constantly having rape on my mind.
And then today, I sat down with someone that was sitting alone at breakfast, and he mentioned this awesome aquarium and bonsai tree he has, and I really wanted to see them, and I was just thinking to myself, like, SCREW these stupid thoughts of rape. And also, I was going to help him figure out what to wear to this semiformal event, so that’s something that had to be done…
And in all of these situations, I was on edge and just thinking of rape.
I’m sure that it’s not God’s will for me to demonize every man I meet, especially if I have known them for a long time and absolutely know that they would never rape me.
But frankly, I don’t know what to do with this mindset. It’s just kind of there, and the best thing would probably be for me to see some counselor and process with them, because this is seriously something that I know I wear on my face, and it’s not fair to my friends to be seeing fear and uneasiness on my face when they’ve done nothing to deserve it.
But then again, maybe why I feel this way is because I’m about to be 23, and I’ve been saving myself, and I haven’t messed up yet, I haven’t done it yet, and I feel so close to the finish line that OH HELL NO I’m not gonna put myself in any situation ever where a man can just take what I’ve been working so hard to protect.
Maybe this explains my uneasiness.