I think the intense emotional attachment I felt at one point + the memories I made with Antioch and Epic people are similar to the emotions and memories that are made when you’re dating someone.

I made the choice to try to make things work elsewhere, and I’m actually pretty happy with my courageous decision, but I feel disappointed that my time with these two groups of believers didn’t work out perfectly.

I didn’t feel loved or acceptance, I didn’t feel like I belonged or was needed or wanted.

I felt loved at Antioch, but I didn’t feel like I belonged. I wasn’t charismatic enough and I was (am) Hispanic.

And Epic… I guess I’ll go ahead and do a little rant that I may or may not regret doing.

I just realized I was done. No more wasting my time, I had to just make a break. I couldn’t handle that horrible feeling that I was just tolerated and just there. And I couldn’t get over how some people could just walk in and be a year or two years newer than me, and look so much more accepted into the group and more wanted than me.

I felt “married” at one point to these groups, and now I just feel tired and divorced and wanting to keep a distance. I’ll come around when I want to, but only when I feel like I can handle the hurt I feel.

I didn’t really like the church when I became Christian, then I thought I was crazy and how could I not love the church? But now I feel like I’m right back to where I started, but worse because this time I finally gave the church a real chance, granted I kept my guard up at times, but I did let it down enough to where I was vulnerable more often than I was comfortable with… and now I just feel let down and reluctant to ever step in wholeheartedly and unreservedly again.

I feel pretty content to keep doing what I’m doing, and maybe join a real church sometime in the not near future.


One thought on “Divorced

  1. I want to let you know that I am 52 years old. I joined my very 1st church less than 2 years ago. This church has shown me more love, acceptance, challenges me and believes in me as well. They are the only true place I really felt part of. I was asked to leave a previous church because I simply asked a question (or 2) about the lyrics of a certain song that they were singing. God has a place for you to fit in at! You will know it almost instantly and then you will call it home!!! I know that it is the longing of our hearts to be excepted, included, and shown love. You will find the place that does that for you (and I believe it will happen really sooner than you think. You are created for community. I am not sure where you live in Texas but I will share with you the churches who are a part of the network of churches I am a part of…

    http://www.allianceofrenewalchurches.org/index.html maybe you can find something near you…they are more traditional with a charismatic flare.. I will be praying that even if what I send you doesn’t work for you that God will rapidly cause you to find a home!

    Blessings to you,
    Sandy aka leftnfree

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