Divorced

I think the intense emotional attachment I felt at one point + the memories I made with Antioch and Epic people are similar to the emotions and memories that are made when you’re dating someone.

I made the choice to try to make things work elsewhere, and I’m actually pretty happy with my courageous decision, but I feel disappointed that my time with these two groups of believers didn’t work out perfectly.

I didn’t feel loved or acceptance, I didn’t feel like I belonged or was needed or wanted.

I felt loved at Antioch, but I didn’t feel like I belonged. I wasn’t charismatic enough and I was (am) Hispanic.

And Epic… I guess I’ll go ahead and do a little rant that I may or may not regret doing.

I just realized I was done. No more wasting my time, I had to just make a break. I couldn’t handle that horrible feeling that I was just tolerated and just there. And I couldn’t get over how some people could just walk in and be a year or two years newer than me, and look so much more accepted into the group and more wanted than me.

I felt “married” at one point to these groups, and now I just feel tired and divorced and wanting to keep a distance. I’ll come around when I want to, but only when I feel like I can handle the hurt I feel.

I didn’t really like the church when I became Christian, then I thought I was crazy and how could I not love the church? But now I feel like I’m right back to where I started, but worse because this time I finally gave the church a real chance, granted I kept my guard up at times, but I did let it down enough to where I was vulnerable more often than I was comfortable with… and now I just feel let down and reluctant to ever step in wholeheartedly and unreservedly again.

I feel pretty content to keep doing what I’m doing, and maybe join a real church sometime in the not near future.