I’ve been walking around for years deeply ashamed and embarrassed of my GPA here at A&M, but this week the Lord very kindly told me that I no longer need to carry this shame.
Because I feel like I’m finally healing, I’m going to write what my GPA is on this blog post:
I have a 2.41.
I’ve gone to sleep crying, feeling like such a failure, feeling like I don’t belong at Texas A&M, and I’ve looked down at my Aggie Ring wondering if I even deserve it. Most of the time, I feel like I’m swimming upstream, fighting the current, trying so hard to keep up with how fast my professors go, wishing I could spend a little more time savoring what I learn because I inherently love reading and learning new things… But it’s like I’m running on a hamster wheel that I can’t get off of.
And then there have been days that I just completely give up and lay in my bed crying and don’t look at my textbooks because I feel like a complete failure.
But what God told me is that college is hard. This is a Tier 1 university.
I’m still alive.
I’m a Mexican American woman, and I’m a first generation college student. I need to feel pride and joy that I am still here, because I know that I am a role model to my nieces and nephew. They look up to me and I have so much to teach them.
Here at A&M I’ve had to deal with being around a ton of people that are much wealthier than me… It’s so hard being from the working class at Texas A&M.
The only reason why I can dress decently is because my mother is one of the most thrifty people ever to walk on this planet. Because of her remarkable ability to spend money well, we have never gone hungry, but we have had to wistfully look at the lifestyle that the average American family can afford.
I’m not going to allow myself to feel like a failure anymore. At every single interview I’ll go on in the future, I will look my interviewer in the eye and tell them that I’ve worked very hard to stay here and get my degree, and that I’m much more than just a number.
It feels like the system is against me 24/7, but I have managed to stay on a treadmill that’s set at a speed of about 8… And the level I’m inherently comfortable at is a 6.
The video below is kind of true of how I feel concerning my ethnic background (though I’ve never struggled with English), and of how I feel as a female.
(And that excerpt from Selena still doesn’t perfectly capture how I feel about my ethnicity, because my dad is a very Americanized Mexican American, and my mom is Mexican. I’m Mexican, Mexican American, and American- I’m all of them, and none of them.)
But as I was saying, I feel a constant, unrelenting pressure to always look and feel intelligent, because if I don’t seem intellectual to others, then I feel like I won’t be taken seriously… And then I struggle with feeling too smart sometimes, because of that horrible statement I’ve heard that “only ugly women are smart.” And I’ve never felt inherently ugly or been told I’m unattractive, but even if I was truly ugly by society’s standards, I’d still bear the image of the Lord of the universe– and that means that I deserve respect.
I finally feel released from the shame I felt about my GPA, and I feel able to empathize with people that I know the Lord is going to send my way.
I’m blessed to be a blessing.