I feel like I may have to spend a summer in Mexico, or something along those lines, because I’ve been struggling with identity during my time at A&M.
During my time here at A&M, I began to feel annoyed with and embarrassed by my mom’s cultural background (and then I felt guilt because of that embarrassment I felt…), and I began to prefer my dad’s cultural background. He’s Hispanic, and like third or fourth generation American. He grew up listening to classic rock and the Beatles and all things good and American.
I came here feeling and behaving a lot more Mexican American than I am now, and I’d say that being an Aggie, leaving Catholicism during my sophomore year, plus deciding to stop being such a tomboy since I wasn’t happy with the fact that God made me female, and here I was, not stepping into the identity I had the honor and opportunity to get to have… I decided to try viewing myself and behaving like a lady and a woman, since I’m in my 20s, I’m basically an adult already and a grown woman.
And it still sounds so weird to me.
I’m an adult.
And a woman.
All of these things really affected how I express myself and carry myself…
I feel so disconnected from Mexico and so far away from the girl that came here.
I wasn’t super Mexican when I arrived here, and the identity issues I already had only got exacerbated with my being immersed here at A&M, and then of course with my collision with Jesus and acquiring so many Christian friends.
Jesus, help me feel like, you know. Not caught in between all of these aspects of my identify.
I’m all of these things, and they don’t necessarily conflict with each other.