Because that apple wasn’t mine to bite.
Satan dangled it in front of me and it looked so. damn. appetizing.
God, I was angry at You, because I truly believed this lie that You. were. not. fair. and Your timing was horrible, and damn it, I was tired of waiting, okay? Besides, I’m not exactly optimistic that You’re going to provide an entire garden for me anyways… Do I even want the work that the garden will require?
…so I’ll just enjoy this measly apple for now. It’s right here, and I like it, and I want it right now, and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it as Satan enjoys bringing hell into me.
God, I bit.
And I trembled once I finally had it in my hands, because I was so hungry and because I knew my time with it was temporary… I could only enjoy my time with it for so long.
I tried savoring it as long as I could. The sun had to rise in a few hours. The world didn’t stop spinning, the clock didn’t stop ticking, how I wish time would stop to give this saint the precious few hours she wanted and needed.
I knew that I had to eventually go to the Fountain to wash myself clean of the mud I returned to and was rolling around in. That mud puddle that I swore would never get me dirty again.
…the Holy Spirit was there with me while I was savoring and thoroughly chewing those big bites I was taking, all the while wishing I could hide from His gaze and flee from His presence.
God, I don’t ask “Why did I bite?” because I know why I bit.
And I don’t know for sure if I learned my lesson. A part of me died and wants to return and get a few more bites, once I have the time again.
God, how I love committing sins, despite how my Savior’s hands were pierced, despite all that precious blood that spilled to cleanse me and redeem me, despite the demons that accuse and torment me when I don’t turn to Your Word and Cross to silence them.
Jesus, I need strength to resist, grace to ravish me and leave me breathless and in tears, truth to keep my head raised, hope to sustain me.