Those summer days (and nights)

My hair got longer as the days went by, and thankfully (and unfortunately) that’s not all that changed.

If I could go back in time to that one moment this summer that I cannot stop replaying in my mind, I’d slap myself and I’d tell me that THE LORD IS GOOD, ALWAYS GOOD, and it’s not going to be worth it.

He’s good, He’s so good, and it hurts when I fail Him but He doesn’t forsake me– He’s in this covenant for better or for worse, and I don’t see Him leaving.

I mean, but what can I do? All I can do is just continue to throw myself at His feet and keep asking Him to bind my wandering heart to Himself, keep reading Psalms because I’m at home and prone to feeling a lot of emotions that I don’t really like to deal with.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul… I saw John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John’s stars at the Walk of Fame!!

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You loved me when I was a lovesick “newlywed” and when I was angry and apathetic and dead in sin, essentially acting out and behaving like a spoiled child.

And the crazy thing is, You knew those bad days were coming.

I just see You on that cross, and my anger melts away. The lies and accusations leave.

I fall in love all over again.

Grace and grace and grace

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 136:1)

The verse above, just won’t leave my mind.

I’m blogging from a hotel in Phoenix– my flight arrived late, so I got a voucher to spend the night in Arizona.

Grace.

Father, thank You.

I’ve got some serious wanderlust (a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about), and I feel like the Lord has really given me the boldness and courage these past few months that is needed to quench it.

He didn’t intend for me to be a fearful person… I am flying alone from California to Texas, and I feel perfectly fine, for I know that He is with me, always watching over me. And I believe with all of my heart that there are angels protecting me; when I ask Him to send some to take care of me, I know He sends them immediately. While it is great to know with my mind that He is omnipresent, it’s really nice to ask Him for a certain amount of angels to surround me, so then I feel like I have double protection.

…I’m almost back home after an incredible two months in Colorado, and a wonderful week in California.

No longer am I the person that longingly sees all the great Facebook check-ins that my friends do, feeling like I’ve hardly seen any of the world. I’m definitely not extremely well-traveled, but I’m finally getting there.

Bless the Lord.

I don’t deserve all this grace and all the blessings that He gave me this weekend… It feels like He is honoring all the praying and worshiping I did this past week, but truth is, I absolutely needed to do all the praying I did, since my soul felt parched and in pain.

…God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance. (Romans 2:4)

Thank You Jesus.

My Beloved

I see no stain on you my child…

I’ll restore your soul,
Come rest in me and be made whole.

Kari Jobe

I tend to think of God as clearly remembering every single one of my sins, and when I do another big sin, He’s just shaking His head and thinking to Himself that He seriously messed up in thinking that He could take a sinner like me and make her a saint. And it feels like He just gets so angry at me for failing to walk well, failing to obey, and that just leaves me so ashamed and like I’m never done letting Him down.

The world and my flesh and the devil, all throughout my mission trip and afterward, have just been so horrible.

Dad, I’m trying. Please tell me You see me trying. I need grace. This season of life is just difficult, and I need to know that You have grace for me. Tell me that You see the war I am fighting. And tell me that You can still love me, despite all the stupid things I’ve done this past year.

The fact that the Lord forgives and forgets our sins is something I finally learned this summer, and it’s been such a glorious, comforting thing to know. It’s something I needed to know.

Reading Psalms these past few months is what has given me strength.

To think that He sees no stains on me, makes me feel less ashamed when I look at myself in the mirror.

It’s broken, unable to be fixed.

I feel sorrow and regret.

How could I have let it get to this?

I’m done.

I hate that it feels like absolutely everything this side of heaven, everything results in the way you feel when trying to hold sand in your hands– the sand just slips through your fingers, and no matter how hard you try, some sand will fall out.

I can’t love God perfectly because I am a sinner that loves to do things that He doesn’t love, and that affects my relationship with Him. I’m tempted to do things that He does not like, I don’t always give in, and there are times that I don’t give in and I feel upset that I can’t do those things.

I feel sorrow that I love some things that my Father doesn’t like, and I feel angry that I can’t do some things because God says no.

I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.

For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

(Romans 7:14-15, 19, 22-23)

And then, my whole life I’ve dreamed of finding my significant other, but lately I’ve been scared of relationships because divorce happens. And there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. They all go through rough patches.

And flowers die when you cut them.

This side of heaven is so imperfect, I can’t stand it sometimes.

I really want something, but I’m the type of person that I panic and worry quickly, so if I were to get it, I feel like I probably won’t want it after a while.

God, why am I one of so little faith?